Mariah Carey. Spending money on presents for family members that they probably don’t need or want anyway. Exciting, down-to-the-wire Senate elections in Alabama and the repeal of net neutrality.
It must be Christmastime.
Today, I was enjoying my typical holiday season tradition of working all the time and waiting until the last minute to properly plan my holiday when I stumbled across the following Reddit headline:
“Chingy is alive and he went to an office Christmas party and made a song about it. And it’s amazing.”
Like anyone would be, I was happy to hear that Chingy is still alive, and I also wondered whether his 2003 debut Jackpot was underrated or if I had just convinced myself it was great because I spent $20 on the CD.
Mostly, sadly, I knew that there was absolutely no way that this song would be amazing.
Against my better judgment, and in an attempt to stop myself from humming the new Bhad Bhabie single I had pressed play on against my better judgment a few hours prior, I pressed play.
To briefly recap: the video starts off with two people discussing their upcoming office Christmas party while one of them seems to be spreading peanut butter onto a tortilla. When the peanut butter spreader is pressed on who he’s taking, he turns to ask Chingy—who is sitting in the corner, reading a magazine, and probably wondering where it all went wrong—if he would like to go with him. Chingy accepts and what can only be described as a knockoff of a Lonely Island knockoff begins.
In a year that saw a music video collab between Jake Paul and Gucci Mane and people rioting over a McDonald’s sauce packet, “A Very Chingy Christmas” might just be the lamest thing I’ve witnessed in 2017.
You can watch the video yourself, but here are a few of the highlights:
- Sharon made meatballs in a Crock-Pot
- A drone being the highlight of the gift exchange
- The “Right Thurr” hook used express desire for said drone
- ”That weird guy in the corner alone eating cashews”
All pretty standard stuff for a corporate succubus using the life force of hip-hop to conceal its lifeless misery and delusion with a disguise of cool and being hip. At least there’s free coffee.
But the most depressing part is Chingy’s involvement. His lyrics read as follows:
“Call me Chris Jingle for the office party / And you only coming if you on the list that’s naughty / Swear these 9 to 5 hours played out like Atari / Bout to make this office space a winterland safari / I’m not the one that gets you gifts you want, I’m sorry / I’m the one that gets you eggnog spiked with Bacardi / Brought some misteltoes for the guy who never kissed Lauri (Note: Chingy pronounces “misteltoes” as “miss-stilettos” and I can’t tell if that’s on purpose or not) / I don’t have no reindeer but I make cash rain so stormy (Swag it out) / We celebratin’ the holiday in / An office complex with none of our friends / Bask in the glory of florescent lightin’ / It’s an office Christmas, let the party begin”
Mind you, all of this is presented by Mizzen+Main, who I’ve now discovered are the “purveyors of performance menswear—classic style in a moisture-wicking, wrinkle-free fabric. Because clothes should feel good and look great.”
What did Chingy do to deserve this?…